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Those Crazy Football Rules

These crazy football rules

As we wait for the few weeks until the Super Bowl, we can discuss how Pittsburgh and Seattle taught everyone how to play football.

Look at you March madness? The team that wins the trophy is the one with the stamina. A few years ago, Utah was in the final. They pooped before the end of the first half much to my disappointment having spent 8 years of my life at the University of Utah.

March madness, is of course basketball. Football is the most robust game that would have been explained and described by Charles Darwin if it had been invented in his time. However, American football came from rugby. This is the game where all the players have had their teeth knocked out but still love the game. Only the fittest survive.

I loved football when I was a kid. My mom wouldn’t let me put on the high school football uniform with all the pads, helmet, and other protective gear. Because of this, those of us who weren’t playing went onto the church grounds and played on the lawn without any uniforms with safety equipment. Our season ended when everyone’s knees turned to mush from playing tackles (without knee pads) rather than touching football.

In Korea, we played tackling football without protective gear. We could only do that when we were back in reserve. We played as hard as we could. If we broke a leg or an arm badly enough, the worst that could happen to us would be that they send us home. We couldn’t play football on the line. We would have descended the mountain. (Also, we had telephone lines to fix during the day that blew again every night. The lines were needed to call in mortar fire at night on the mortar concentrations we set up during the day.)

No one has ever received a scratch in one of our tackle football matches. Our season always ended when the commander said, “No more tackling football. You’re going to get killed there.” (Each of us had heard this from the regimental commander when we joined the unit. He always said, “Half of you won’t go home, not alive anyway.” Fortunately, he was wrong. Our regiment lost about 1,000 GIs plus a large number of ROK soldiers who served in our units during the three years of the Korean War.When I was there the casualties were less than before my arrival and after my departure.)

The above is called by football commentators a side light. I don’t like side story gory (or human interest stories) watching football on TV any more than you liked the side light above.

Anyway, my wife took up football. After resisting for 70 years, she finally gave in. She can’t believe she loves football now. What I mean is she hasn’t dressed yet. She likes to watch it on TV. Therefore, we are now talking about the game.

I usually read a book or do a logic puzzle while playing, but she gives it her full attention and gives me a steady stream of chatter that actually keeps me interested in the game.

Today she asked me about the sanctions and how they are applied. The penalty she was talking about was when Seattle had Carolina on the 1-yard line. It was a procedural penalty of 5 meters. This meant that the ball would be placed half the distance to the goal. I said, “I think it should be an automatic safety. The ball should be placed on the less 4 yard line. Now I know the referees probably haven’t had any algebra so they should just call it a safety.

My wife wanted to know more. I said, suppose you’re on your opponent’s 16-yard line and he gets a 15-yard penalty. The ball would be placed on the 1 yard line. Now suppose you are on the 14 yard line under the same circumstances. The ball would be placed half the distance from the goal and you would get the ball on the 7.5 yard line.”

Stupid, right? (If I said the ball should be put on the minus 1 yard line, everyone would complain, “That’s no way to get a touchdown!”)

Here is what should happen in the second case. The ball is placed on the 1 yard line and then half the distance to the goal. You should be on the ½ meter line. They should give you as many penalty yards as possible, then half the distance to the goal of what’s left. This will always put you on the 1/2 meter line you belong to.

I would also like the fumble rules to be put back in their place. The ground can’t keep going up and knock the ball out of the player’s hands like that and get away with it.

Well, I have to go feed my horse.

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